Funeral Questions

Death is generally a taboo, and the unknown is scary  True, but many people find that it doesn’t turn out as scary as they thought it would.

What happens when someone dies? Immediately after, a doctor pronounces them dead, someone shuts their eyes, then what? The films always change scene and skip the bit after that. When does the body start smelling, does it look bad? I don’t want to watch them rotting.  This depends mostly on the climate and illness.  It helps to keep the room cool and ventilated, until a funeral director can come and collect the body.

Once they’re buried and the grave filled in, what does it look like?  The earth is heaped up on the grave, and your flowers laid on top.

Why do you not get the headstone straight away, and when does it happen?  The ground needs a few months to settle, and you can order a headstone six months after burial.

Is that grave yours forever, like the ones you see in a churchyard that are hundreds of years old?  The churchyard always belongs to the church, but you have the use of the grave plot for fifty years after the last burial.  In practice, most churches will leave a hundred years to pass, but eventually the ground will be used for another burial.

Why does that churchyard have headstones propped against the wall?  If the ground is to be re-used, the church will make every effort to contact the family first.  If no contact can be found, then headstones will usually be respectfully placed against the boundary wall.

How long does it take for the grass to grow over and look pretty and old instead of ugly bare dirt? Can I do anything to make it look prettier sooner?  Grass will usually grow naturally in a month or two.  If you wish, you can scatter seed or lay turf, to make it prettier sooner.  As the ground settles, it will become a neat lawn.

Who’s allowed to get buried in this nice churchyard?  If you live in the local parish area, or you have a family connection, then you can normally have a burial there if space allows.

How often can I visit the grave? Can I hold a ceremony there? Can I pour some whiskey on the ground for them? Why do you have all these rules about what flowers and ornaments I leave there?  You can visit and hold Christian or non-religious ceremonies as often as you wish, and even pour whisky if you want to.  However, churchyards are for everyone and we try to keep them tidy, so we ask you not to leave a lot of ornaments, lights, toys, stones, kerbs, or plastic flowers. 

What songs can I have at the funeral? How many people can I invite? How much does it cost?  You can have almost any song at a funeral (just ask), and invite as many as the building can hold.  A church service and burial starts at about six hundred pounds.  Then you might also want to add an organ and organist, recorded music, church bells, flowers, winter heating, and video streaming – these can bring the cost to perhaps a thousand pounds.

How do I make the casket eco-friendly?  Your funeral director can guide you in choosing sustainable coffins made from cardboard, willow, bamboo, banana leaves and other eco-friendly materials.

What’s a crematorium like? I don’t think I’ve ever set foot in one, or seen one on TV. Do they have a video tour on their website? Will the staff treat the body with respect, or are they all overworked and underpaid?  Your funeral director can give you contact details and show you the crematorium, and you can visit and meet the staff who are friendly and respectful.  Search online for crematorium video tours, on several crematorium websites.

I don’t know any good traditions about mourning, can you tell me some nice traditions so I can try some if I like the sound of them and see if they help me cope with my grief?  Your funeral director and local church minister will help you to mourn and cope with grief.  You need to give yourself time and space, being kind to yourself when some days are hard.  Also, share memories with friends and family, talk about your feelings and your loved one, and don’t try to hold back your grief.